remember that time we went to that weird place out in the don valley parkway and i blew you under the bridge. remember the sign “bridge over troubled water”? it was such a wonderful area but there were so many mosquitoes. it was horrible. i remember wanting to go back there at some point but i’m not sure anymore if there is anyone so willing to take those trips and i’m still wondering about self-actualization and all the desires that i am yet to… personify or make into something real? i want those strawberry tic tacs to take me to a good place not an ugly one and those sunny walks through riverdale park and the pda and the beautiful beautiful parks and music and jazz festivals and nuit blanche and oh my i miss you more than you can even imagine and i can’t imagine life without you now. my time with you was more beautiful than could be put into words. i need to explore more aspects of our relationship, zoom back in. you know those trips down graffitti alley? the train tracks and that one date where we held hands and all we wanted was each other? remember how i tried to climb that building but couldn’t? now all i really want is spring and to hold your hand again but not you, the old you, and to see that art and to take those photos earlier on so i could remember the sunset when those kids saw that handjob LOL and the trains that passed by and honked their horns and the desperate trips down memory lane that i get from listening to atmosphere because i associate him with vic park subway station and those long long dark nights on train tracks

maybe all i really need is spring to come back again with the fog and the scarborough bluffs, but the thing is that i can’t go back to my favourite place in the city anymore because it brings me too far back into the past, and i can’t bear to think of it anymore

without you i could never be where i am now. you seriously gave me the experience the enjoyment and the lovely lovely passionate nights that i so desperately needed during those tough times of my life. i was boring and i had these desires but no realization and no discovery. that is the thing about who you are is you need to do things to discover what you want and how you can get there. i had ways of figuring out that i wanted to go places but you really took me there and you really showed me the life i needed to lead and thus the person that i needed to become. who am i now? without you what am i?

how is it that with you i became who i am now? you brought me out of the life i hated and gave me someone to do things with and that’s what self actualization is is acting out your dreams.

we spent two weeks together at that camp and a week at my house alone and you gave me the strength i needed and when i had it i just left

that wonderful time we slept on the beach, and woke up to see the sunrise at woodbine, the trip there while the sun was slowly brightening the sky at 4am, the bus ride there when i fell asleep on you, the gradual shift away from the person i was with you, how i’m crying sometimes over someone i now dislike, the way i didn’t care what i looked like or smelled like around you after sleeping outdoors, the amazing feeling of hot cum on a summer night and how great i felt about it, how i miss the feeling of it, the annex nights in the park near uts and the “you are so beautiful”s that kept me through the days, the heat of your touch even though i didn’t really know what love was at the time and i’m wondering if i really felt butterflies at all or if i just loved the sound of your desperate inhales and exhales,  and that band that was playing in the park that one night and the texts i kept from the streetcar prediction hotline, seeing as it was a milestone in my sketchy sleezy life, the search for somewhere to hook up only to end up watching the best sunrise i’ve ever seen and how could anything like that ever happen again with someone not as great as you were? you were great for me because you put up with me and you brought me into my own and showed me who i really am and that is an adventure chick and that is what i was with you why shouldn’t i be allowed that anymore

and i also miss jeremiah

your first time climbing a tree was with me